It’s my last night in Canada and we’re playing the US in the World Junior Hockey championships…


8:30: Is it racist to say that the US look like they’re dressed up like cans of tuna??

8:42: OH YEAH 1-0 CANADA

8:45: Actually, in fairness, both Canada and the US look like their uniforms were designed by gas station stylists….but the red definitely looks better. Like steak!

8:48 Pepsi commercial featuring the song ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends?’ We can’t be friends, Pepsi, because you’re an unpleasant drink made of syrup and water.

8:51: The US doesn’t even want it. At least, the country as a whole doesn’t. They just like the idea of winning one more thing. A spare jewel for their lunchtime crown. Like the way they tried to take over Upper Canada in the War of 1812, about which I happen to be reading. Jefferson said it would be no more than a matter of marching in…I HATE JEFFERSON!!! Yeah, well this time—>CANADA has come to —->BUFFALO to make —>MINCEMEAT, JEFFERSON!



9:04: Canada is playing fast and rough. So hot. Steak’s hot.

9:07: Why doesn’t icing get a penalty? If there’s a penalty for cake, after all….

9:19: Throughout the tournament they’ve been playing this series of commercials about hydration. They show clips of interviews with players talking about the role hydration plays in their game. Now….I don’t want to be a soggy blanket or should I say, an *overly-hydrated comforter* but–for realsweat stops being hottt the minute you ask an inarticulate 19-yr. old boy who’s taken several blows to the head in his short life to discuss it as a component of his hydration-dehydration-rehydration process. It’s like having an attractive woman in a commercial drinking a beer and then pissing her pants on camera. It’s part of the process we’d rather not see. I submit the above for your consideration, Gatorade.

9:33: As Canada heads into a power-play with a 2 man advantage I’m reminded of the comment of one american fan interviewed on camera who said that it was immaterial to the integrity of this tournament that most of the fans were from Canada, seeing as Canada is just the 51st state anyway.
A moment later…now that Canada is leading 3-0 I’m glad to think he won’t be bothered…

9:44: Wow……I actually feel sorry for the american goalie now. And you know how little empathy I have.

9:47: Do the american goalie’s pants have facebook written on the side? What does facebook want with his pants?

9:54: Mark Vizentin is my new patron saint. I’ll pray to him for….well I don’t know but he’s made a lot of saves so maybe he can save my soul, too eh?

9:58: That’d make a great commercial actually, for, like, the NHL or something. A really good goalie and like, a really baaaaad ass criminal and like, the goalie’s all like ‘I can save everything, but I can’t save youuuuu’ or no. wait. that wouldn’t work. and I’m not really sure what this commercial should be advertising anyway. And what’s more professional athletes seem to make really poor actors. oh, I guess I’ll just stick to this non-paying job rather than attempting to add further free services performed with a debatable level of skill to the garden of talents that is my resumé…

10:10: TSN is advertising for ‘game-worn’ items being auctioned off by Hockey Canada by eBay….stocking stuffers for paedophiles?

10:21: Favorite moment of the game so far!! This two canadian players checked an american guy from opposite sides at the same time causing him to fall into the boards in front of Team Canada and then one of the canadian guys stuffed him down the boards to put him at the feet of the canadian players! HA!

10:25: JAAAAAA KASSIAN! 4-0 Canada.

10:31 oh well that’s nice. America scored. Makes the game more interesting…

10:46: 30 seconds to go…

10:48: And Buffalo is made an honorary canadian city for tonight, isn’t that right, Jefferson?

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